Learning to come to terms with not sucking

I've spent most of my life depressed. Wow, what an opener ! But it's true. For so long, and even now, I've been thinking that I'm actually a fraud and anything I do is just some kind of coverup for hiding the fact that I'm a loser.

Only now am I realizing that it's not the case.

How it's been

I still don't know why I've been convinced for so long that I'm an impostor. I guess I never had much support for my creative endeavors growing up, and that being that lonely little nerd made me take it as "you actually suck, that's why we don't support you".

I've been addicted to video games pretty much ever since I got to play them. I spent most of my life sinking as many hours into them as you would into a full time job, even more than that. But that came at a cost : time spent playing video games is not time spent creating video games, my childhood dream. And besides, I've actually became really convinced that playing and being good at video games is an indicator of how much of a failure I am in life. Being good at video games, I thought, brings zero value. Absolutely zero.

Now as an adult, it's not just video games I'm addicted to, but also drugs of course. And when you've got addictive tendencies, and try to get out of them and fail, without support, you end up thinking well, here's proof that I'm a fuckup.

Also, I've started so many creative things and very, very rarely went through with it. I've started so many projects, but there's so few I've finished. Looking at it this way makes me even more depressed, and the cycle continues.

How it's going

Recently I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't actually suck. It's hard. But it's a process, and I've started it.

I've got to accept that by trying I'm already not sucking. Real losers don't even try (no judgement). And I do try, time and time again I try. I'm actually getting better. And who doesn't fail, really? No one ! You cannot not fail ! That's actually the only losing move.

That ties in with the many creative projects I've started and not finished, hey it's also okay ! It's not wasted at all. I've learned so much through all of that, and it's actually useful, even if it's just for the insight.

Also, I'm now convinced that I'm a good guy. I don't want to come across as a narcissist, and I know I'm not. I know I'm just nice to be around. Maybe too submissive, maybe, but I actually listen to what people say and try to be genuine and honest. I think deep down, I've got great values.

So?

Well I'm putting it here because I think that one, it's true, and second, having it posted here makes it real. Even though very few will actually read it, that's not the point. It's for me. If it inspires even one person, that's a positive externality.

And I want to stay on that path. I really want to, now more than ever. I want to keep pushing and ultimately become the best me !